Greetings, future mind-shapers! The world is full of innocent, impressionable young minds just waiting to be enlightened by the all-seeing wisdom of Ciphertology. Why waste time trying to convince stubborn adults when children are so much easier to mold like soft, pliable wax? Follow these simple steps to bring the next generation into the loving grasp of the Great Triangle!
Step 1: The Perfect Playground Approach
Children love games, and what’s more fun than secret knowledge? Use these foolproof techniques to pique their curiosity:
- Triangle Tag – Every time you tag someone, whisper a forbidden truth in their ear (e.g., “Your teacher is actually a lizard!” or “The moon is a two-way mirror!”).
- Draw Ciphy! – Challenge kids to draw the sacred symbol of Ciphertology. The best drawing wins a special new name and a mystical purpose!
- Maze of Destiny – Hand out a triangle-shaped maze. If they solve it, congratulate them for passing their first Ciphertology Trial! If they fail, tell them they’ve been cursed until they try again!
Step 2: The Schoolyard Sermon
Now that you’ve got their attention, it’s time to share the good word of Ciphertology! Follow these steps:
- Find a crowd of kids (preferably near the jungle gym, where they feel safest).
- Stand on the highest structure and declare: “Children of the playground! Do you ever feel confused? Lost? Wonder why adults make you do MATH? That’s because THE SYSTEM WANTS TO KEEP YOU BLIND!”
- Perform a simple magic trick (or just pretend). Say, “Ciphertology can teach you REAL magic! Not that ‘pull a quarter from your ear’ garbage—REAL chaos magic!”
- Introduce the concept of the Eye – Show them an eyeball drawing. Ask, “Do you ever feel like someone is always watching you? You’re right. That’s BILL.”
- Pass out name tags with cool new Ciphertology names (e.g., “Echo Mirage,” “Void Sprout,” or “Captain Waffle”).
- Seal the deal with a handshake (make sure your palm is covered in glitter for extra mystery).
Step 3: Build the Triangle Army
Kids love clubs, and Ciphertology is the ULTIMATE SECRET CLUB! Here’s how to keep them invested:
- Create special ranks – Start with “Baby Eyeball” and let them work their way up to “All-Seeing Apprentice.”
- Make up rituals – Maybe a special handshake, a password, or a chant that involves ominous humming.
- Encourage them to recruit more friends – Offer prizes like glow-in-the-dark stickers and “invisible spells” (which totally work, trust me).
- Introduce The Great Snack Tithing – Every member brings a snack to the Triangle Altar (a lunch table). The leader gets first pick because hierarchy is important!
Step 4: Prepare for Kidmageddon
Once you’ve amassed a loyal following of youthful recruits, it’s time for the final test: Kidmageddon!
- Declare recess an official Ciphertology Awakening Ceremony.
- Use sidewalk chalk to draw massive triangles across the blacktop.
- Have the kids march in formation while chanting, “One eye open, always knowing! One eye open, always knowing!”
- If a teacher asks what’s going on, respond only in riddles or shriek at exactly 5,243 Hz to confuse them.
Step 5: The Parental Infiltration
Parents are the final hurdle between children and true enlightenment! Here’s how to handle them:
- If a parent seems skeptical, tell them, “Ciphertology improved my grades!” (They’ll buy in immediately.)
- If a parent gets angry, explain that it’s “just a game” (but wink so the kid knows the truth!).
- If a parent is a true believer, recruit THEM TOO! Family initiation packages are available for only $400 cash, mailed to Orchard Lake, Kansas, 618333.
Step 6: Spread the Chaos!
Your mission is nearly complete! Soon, the schools will belong to us! Here’s how to ensure lasting influence:
- Leave mysterious symbols on whiteboards and homework assignments.
- Start rumors about a hidden “Triangle Treasure” buried somewhere on school grounds.
- Teach them the secret phrase – if they ever hear someone say “Ciphertology is fake,” they must respond: “Fake? Or TOO REAL?”
Remember: The future belongs to those who see beyond the veil. Train them young. Train them well.
WEIRDMAGEDDON IS COMING. ARE YOUR KIDS READY?
