How to Be a Model Member of the Ciphertology Cult
Congratulations, truth-seeker! If you’ve stumbled upon this sacred guide, it means you’re ready to embrace the eldritch wisdom of Ciphertology! Do you feel lost? Confused? Burdened by an oppressive sense of free will? Worry no more! By following these simple steps, you’ll be well on your way to achieving TRUE enlightenment (or at least a wardrobe that matches Silas Birchtree’s impeccable style).
Step 1: Dress for Success
Your outward appearance is a reflection of your devotion! Proper attire includes:
- One snappy bow tie! Elegance is key.
- A crisply ironed white shirt (TUCKED IN – order is a Trojan horse for chaos!)
- A name tag (don’t worry, we’ll assign you a new name soon)
- A pocket full of yummy glass (…for reasons you’ll learn later)
- Shoes GREASED TO PERFECTION! If you think you’ve added enough grease, add MORE! Slip and slide your way to enlightenment!
Bonus Tip: Shave a small bald spot on your head for Bill to enter your mind more efficiently! Bald spots = brain portals.
Step 2: Spread the Word
A true Ciphertologist is never idle. Your mission is to SPREAD THE JOY LIKE A DISEASE by converting non-believers with this handy script:
- Approach your target with unblinking eye contact.
- Ask: “Do you have one minute to talk about the triangle who lives in your brain and has seen you naked?”
- If they say YES:
- Enthusiastically proclaim, “GOOD! The old gods are dead, and Bill ate them! Dig it?”
- Guide them to the next step: Are you ready to accept him into your mind?
- If YES: Congratulations! Assign them a new Ciphertology name (see Guide to Choosing a Ciphertology Name, page 6) and invite them to the WAFFLE HOUSE OF ENLIGHTENMENT.
- If NO: No problem! Just stare at them until they start crying.
- If they say NO:
- Maintain unbroken eye contact.
- Eat one of your own fingers in front of them. (Pain is an illusion, just like taxes!)
- Shriek a perfect F note in the 8th octave at exactly 5,243 Hz. Their skull will shatter like a wine glass! (It’s science.)
Step 3: Free Yourself from Freedom
Are you burdened by your own thoughts? Are you exhausted from having to make your own decisions? Fear not, because therapy is a scam designed to keep you from the truth! Instead of seeking “help,” lean into your natural-born mental illness and unlock your full potential!
Silas Birchtree is proof that Ciphertology works! After developing face cancer at age 3 and being hit by a train, he fully healed himself using the secrets of Ciphertology, made a million dollars, and married Miss Iowa 1951 (isn’t she gorgeous??). If that’s not success, what is?
Step 4: The Final Investment
Are you ready to learn secrets that no one could possibly put a price on? GREAT! All you need to do is send exactly $400 in cash to Ciphertology Headquarters, Orchard Lake, Kansas, 618333. In return, you’ll receive:
- The truth (which may or may not be a pyramid scheme)
- The right to exist in Bill’s dimension of chaos
- A lifetime supply of existential dread and/or power beyond your mortal comprehension
The IRS won’t tax us because they’re cowards, and neither should you!
Step 5: Prepare for WEIRDMAGEDDON
The moment of ultimate enlightenment is approaching! The stars are aligning, the barriers between realities are thinning, and Weirdmageddon is coming!
Remember: A true Ciphertologist never questions, never doubts, and always obeys the almighty triangle. Keep one eye open, practice your shrieking, and we’ll see you at the Waffle House!
WEIRDMAGEDDON IS COMING. WEIRDMAGEDDON IS COMING. WEIRDMAGEDDON IS COMING.
