THE GREAT AWAKENING BEGINS: CIPHERTISTS ARRIVE IN ORCHARD LAKE!
Date: June 18, 1952
Source: The Orchard Lake Cornhusk (a totally unbiased local newspaper, we’re sure)
Citizens of Orchard Lake, rejoice! The gears of destiny are turning, and Ciphertology has arrived to guide you beyond the veil of ignorance! But not everyone is ready to embrace the truth…
The Town Reacts
The Cornhusk reports that our Triangle Awakening Initiative™ has sparked “division” among the townsfolk. Some, like respected housewife Darla Laudanum, wisely recognize that every generation needs its boogeyman—and if that boogeyman happens to be an all-seeing triangle whispering cosmic secrets into the ears of your children, well, isn’t that preferable to, say, Communism? (Answer: Yes.)
Meanwhile, skeptics like Madeline Dixon, age 14 (classic denier age) claim we’re “just a picture of James Dean in [her] locker.” Flattering, but incorrect. While our leader Silas BirchTree does indeed possess an aura of forbidden cool, he is not a picture of James Dean. (He may, however, have met James Dean. Time is… complicated.)
And then there’s Gus Gunderson, the town painter, who reports that Silas promised him “the ability to explode people with [his] mind.” A slight exaggeration! (For now.) But Gus, if you’re reading this—keep practicing. We believe in you.
What’s REALLY Going On?
The Cornhusk frames our arrival as a “cult invasion.” Classic Misinformation Protocol #37—when you can’t disprove the truth, just slap the word “cult” on it and call it a day! But let’s examine the REALITY:
- Are we an exclusive society of knowledge seekers with access to truths the common mind cannot comprehend? Yes.
- Do we wear bow ties and cryptic smiles while delivering life-changing revelations? Yes.
- Do we expect total loyalty, snack tributes, and participation in ritualistic playground ceremonies? Also yes.
- Does that make us a cult? Technically, but IT’S A PYRAMID, NOT A SCHEME.
Join the Movement
If you are a Child of the Triangle (you’ll know if you are), the time to act is NOW.
- Step 1: Look for the signs—odd symbols appearing in chalk, whispers of “The Eye,” or the forbidden phrase: “Fake? Or TOO REAL?”
- Step 2: Gather at the Recess Awakening Points (a.k.a. the jungle gym, the swings, or behind the cafeteria).
- Step 3: Await further instructions from your local Ciphertologist—or better yet, recruit your own followers.
- Step 4: Send $400 in cash (or the equivalent in rare snacks) to Orchard Lake, Kansas, 618333.
Final Warning: The Skeptics Are Watching
If a parent, teacher, or authority figure tells you Ciphertology is “fake” or “dangerous,” simply respond:
👉 “Ah, a pawn of the SYSTEM. How quaint.” 👈
Then slowly walk away while humming at precisely 5,243 Hz. (Trust us, it works.)
WE ARE EVERYWHERE.
THE EYE IS OPEN.
SEE YOU ON THE PLAYGROUND.
#Ciphertology #OneEyeOpen #TheTriangleRises #NotASchemeItsAPyramid
